Buffeted By The “Winds”

Published November 14, 2013 by rebelpet

Why wasn’t I enough? Was it because I’m not good enough? Is it because I smoke? Were you in love with her the whole time you were telling me that you loved me? I would have done so much for you. Should I settle for second best? You were holding back longer than the weeks before you went down to meet her. Right now I’m not sure if my love for you has been killed off or if I’ve just managed to shut it down. I can still feel that something is off but I don’t want to push.

I sit here and wonder if I’ve pushed you further towards her, all because of my actions. You didn’t say good night several times and that cut like a knife. Even in the morning, you just leave without a word. If you would have been honest and came to me and told me that you had started having feelings for someone else, I could have handled that. I fucking hate this. Should I fight? I really want to.  Would that make a difference? I don’t want to overstep or do something that ruins our friendship and makes you end up resenting me.

I’m not good enough for you. Even if I’m the last resort, I still wouldn’t be your pick. You see me as only a friend and you only want me for playtime. That is how I’m feeling. If you don’t feel that way, then you need to speak up AND change your actions. I’m not listening to just words, I’m watching actions too.

Things have changed so much. You barely talk to me even after assuring me that we will still talk and keep in contact. I’m making rash promises to try to see where I stand with you. Nothing is helping. I trust my instincts and even though you say that we will stay friends, I know she won’t like it and will come between us even more than what she already has. Of course you have allowed her to and I know its only going to get worse. If our friendship suffers any more, I’m going to be one angry Rebel. You have seen some of my anger but that was mild compared to what I have inside of me. I wonder if you are just saying words to placate me. I wonder if you have told a mutual friend what is going on and they have talked about it to other people. If so, that would hurt even more. All I want is honesty, loyalty and trust. I willingly gave you all three of those and my love, only to have them thrown by the wayside. I thought some of the things between us were special, for the two of us but am realizing that is not the case. I don’t think I could be that with anyone else but when the pain fades and in the future I find someone, I might be able to. In the past, you made me happy. But now, I’m not sure if I can trust you. I’m giving you another chance but for the first time ever, I’m questioning if I should trust you with this or with that. I don’t want her knowing at all. Her actions have shown that she isn’t trustworthy and I have extreme dislike for her in so many ways. But time will tell. I don’t feel like a submissive anymore and I miss it. I’m feeling at loose ends and I thought about finding someone who is willing to train me in some things. I just don’t know anymore.

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