I’m sorry for leaving all of you hanging but I’m hoping to be posting more. I guess I could say some of my posts are going to be more journal-like. So here goes and please bear with me, my emotions were all over the place.
No trust …………. I hurt so bad right now. Its been proven to me once again that I’m not meant to be loved, that I’m supposed to be betrayed and hurt. The friend has to be put away for now. I can’t handle both and I feel anger along with the hurt, confusion and betrayal. I don’t know whether to hide this or not. As of now, I don’t feel that you have the right to worry about me. Not after that. I was in enough shock and had others around so I could be a friend. But when I’m the only one awake or am alone, that friend is gone. And you had no right to call me by my pet name when you were going to be with someone else. The first time I was betrayed years ago, I couldn’t recover from. Although I wouldn’t have what I do if I had left. But this time, I’m older and wiser from experience and I can’t be anything but a friend. You will have to give me time until I can handle being a good friend again. The ones I love who hurt me, I don’t let them see that they have hurt me. I’ll probably write out everything here and when I’ve gotten over you, then you might see this. I’m asking to be released.
How could you do this to me? After you promised to be honest with me? I just want to smash things, cut myself, get a tattoo and a piercing. I am going to cut my hair, fuck this shit!
I can’t even write a poem. My mind is too jumbled. I could feel you pulling away from me but when I asked, you gave the excuse for the house. That was some of it but now so much has come clear and I see what a fool I have been. I’ve been your dirty little secret, a toy to play with until you tired of me, until you found the person you really wanted, which obviously wasn’t me. It makes me think that you have been voicing with her this whole time. Why did you betray my trust? Why did you break your promise to me? The first time I hear about her, it’s to find out that you were planning to go be with her. My thoughts are that the only reason you admitted it to me is because I found you online before your normal time AND the fact that your plans with her had fallen through. But I know that you went down, she changed her mind again and it’s killing me inside. That special song just digs the knife deeper because you said I wasn’t just a that but it feels like that was just one of your lines. You have just proven to me that I’m not worthy, that I’m supposed to get hurt, that I’m not a person to be loved. I should have picked up more on the times you were reluctant. I don’t know if you can feel anything through the link and I was so tempted to close my end. But I think I’m going to let loose and let it come at you full force just to ruin your time with her. If you could use my heart so carelessly, how do I know that the friend aspect wasn’t treated the same way? I’m doubting so much of what you’ve said to me. All the PMs on two sites are gone. I cut my hair. I have so much hurt, confusion, questions, anger, betrayal and grief going through me right now. I’m going to shut down just to survive. You could have handled this so much better but I figure I’m the last resort for you, I’m the relief pitcher. You played me, you used me. And I had trusted you with some of the deepest parts of me. You have not felt my rage yet because I’ve been holding it back and I’ve been hurting too badly. After I get through this, I think I still want to be friends. Hell, I can’t imagine not having you in my life. I still love you but the trust is gone. I don’t understand why you said no to me when I asked you to delete those things I sent. Are you going to use those as leverage against me? Are you going to use them to make fun at my expense?
I’m afraid that when you read all the things I’ve written, posted and commented on, you won’t want to talk to me again. Thing is, I do deserve an outlet and that is the best way. But then I figure that you are done with me anyhow. That you don’t want to talk to me again and that rips the wounds open all over again. I have to accept that due to actions of others, I’m not worth their time or consideration. I’ve been waiting for you all day and this is killing me. I feel like I am losing my mind. All I have is my imagination fueling speculation but I want and need to hear your side of the story, full honesty.