Last night was hard for me. Really hard. I wasn’t able to spend any time with Sir until shortly before he had to shut down and get some rest. I was devastated because I was hoping to be able to see him via Skype, if only for a short while. I feel like a beggar when I ask him to voice or video or both and he can’t and its almost like a slap to the face. It isn’t his fault and I know that but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. What he didn’t know was I was crying almost the entire time we talked (which he will know when he reads this.) But we did get to talk some and that helped knowing that he is here for me no matter what. Even if we aren’t talking. Then when I went to bed, I still felt like crying and had to ward off a panic attack. The med that I didn’t have for awhile is still working back into my system and I’m feeling better every day. So I’m hoping that the following days will be better. Which with my Master, they will be.
I’m not against drinking, but when it consumes a person, i.e. they drink until they are drunk and don’t care how they act, I hate it. Why should the ones around have to deal with the crap that is handed out? Just because something goes against what the drinker wants doesn’t mean that it gives them license to act like a spoiled child about it. And to blame their drinking on a person that they claim they “love”, how is that right? Wouldn’t it have a negative psychological effect on the sober person? (I hope whomever reads this isn’t confused.) I can’t understand people who over-drink and I rarely drink for various reasons. Maybe because of the way I was raised, the fact that I’m on anti-depressants and most likely because to me, it isn’t my cup of tea. I have a therapist and hope that with the years of searching, I finally found a second one that I mesh with. (So far, so good.) Maybe this subject will be brought up during my next appointment so my therapist can help me with it because I can’t handle it alone.
(Lily, Master Zen)
This will be a short post. I’m on meds for depression, haven’t been diagnosed with anything but that and I ran out of my one med that is a slow release. Let me tell you, the same one without slow release does NOT do the job in any way. So I’ve been an emotional mess all week along with some personal things going on. Someday I will be able to tell my whole story but I’m unable to now. There is one main person who is keeping me going though. I love you, Master Zen and I could sure use your calming effect that you have on me and I hate that the circumstances won’t allow it. 😦
Reading through “http://imnotanastasia.wordpress.com/” blog, part of Aug 18, 2012 ‘s post kinda hit home. “How I need to be careful and not joke about certain types of things because, for you, they are not funny. Not even a little.” It sounds like she is describing a piece of my personality. I’ve never been able to truly be myself except with my best friend, who is now my Dom, albeit we are newbies getting our toes wet, doing research, “playing” and incorporating rules, all as we go along. But now my demons raise their heads and are voicing doubts to me again. What if I find that being a sub isn’t for me? What if I’m supposed to be a Domme? (I hope I spelled that right.) Would I be allowed to go back on what I’ve started? I’m trying to keep them all at bay, ignore them, or shut them up. But because of my vivid imagination, they come out in my dreams. I tend to over think things and what if I’m doing that again? Besides my Master, (even though its the start of a D/s, I think of him as my Master,) I have no one to talk to. And Master is as new at this as I am. I’m trying to do research but there is so much to go through that my head is whirling. I feel like a fallen leaf, tossed about by the wind with no destination but where I land. Who do I go to for guidance? I don’t want to bother other subs because I know they already have lives of their own and I don’t want to cause any trouble for them. I guess this is something else I need to have patience with, to just let answers find me. *crosses fingers* Wish me luck!
Since my dom, whom I call Master most of the time, and I are just venturing into the world of D/s, he hasn’t given me hardly any rules yet. He says that he wants them to be fair. But I told him that some rules that he didn’t think was fair could be rules that I really need. I will have to be patient, (blah), and see what he comes up with and negotiate. 🙂 Sometimes when we are in a short discussion and his reply is simply “No.”, mmmmm. I love it when he gets all authoritative like that. But right now we can’t be together due to personal circumstances and have yet to meet in RL, (we met online and became friends, progressing to me trusting him with anything and everything.) We will make mistakes together, remedy them, discuss our limits, discover new things and love each other through it all. I love you, Master Zen.
The above post was for November 15. I had written it as a note on my FB page thinking Zen wouldn’t see it until tonight. I got a surprise when he txted me.
I decided to start a blog to chronicle my journey into becoming a submissive. Things aren’t where they should be but hopefully that will change within the next year. So enjoy the ups and downs!
No “good-night, Lily” or anything again tonight. I’m starting to think that I did something wrong or even spoke out of turn. So I’ll go to bed and cry myself to sleep unless it won’t come out but stays inside and chokes me. My Master doesn’t feel good so I’ve got to think about him instead of myself. I hate when he is sick 😦 and I feel that it is my fault for keeping him up past the time he wanted to go to bed. He is good for me but how good am I for him? I’d say I’m toxic……..