Why love me?

Published January 5, 2014 by rebelpet

I know that I can’t make someone love me. But what made him love me as more than a friend? I tried to take a step outside of myself, use his point of view and tried to take a good look at myself. I still don’t understand, I just don’t get it. Although apparently it wasn’t much of anything about me that he found to love except as a friend. I can accept that I’m mediocre but he made me believe I was more. He got me to stop putting myself down and to not feel self-derision. But no more. I can’t risk myself this way. I love hard……(I can’t believe that there is a song to describe exactly how I feel)

 

For my readers, when you grew to love someone, what was it about them that made those feelings grow? 

Turmoil

Published December 12, 2013 by rebelpet

This is going to be a post of my random thoughts. I had started to read a book series from Shayla Black and I couldn’t stop with just one, I pushed on and read all 8. Wow! I loved all the books! But now I’m questioning even more. Am I meant to be a sub? Should I even be delving more into the lifestyle? I just want it proven to me if I’m a sub, a Domme, a switch or that I should just stick to vanilla. When I was released, I was so hurt and my emotions were all over the place. It was a horrible time for me and I barely hung on. I even was ready to give up on even thinking about BDSM. But I knew better than to make such an important decision when I was hurt. So I held off on making any decision and I’m glad I didn’t. Especially since reading those books. They pulled me in and made me yearn for more. I want to be trained but by a Mentor Dom. I’m not ready to trust anyone enough to enter into a contract. But one thing that would be a requirement of a Mentor Dom is that they have to have an open mind with no judgement. I want to search for a Dom who would mentor me but I don’t know where to start. A certain friend, (you know who you are 😉 ) said that I should look in groups but I can be shy so I’m hesitant to do that. I’m still a newbie but I want to know more. The need is starting to take over and I’m afraid that soon I’ll just throw caution to the wind. So I’m tamping it down, waiting for that moment to arrive. You know, that moment where you just know that its mean to be. But should I ask for a Mentor Dom or let them offer?  

Buffeted By The “Winds”

Published November 14, 2013 by rebelpet

Why wasn’t I enough? Was it because I’m not good enough? Is it because I smoke? Were you in love with her the whole time you were telling me that you loved me? I would have done so much for you. Should I settle for second best? You were holding back longer than the weeks before you went down to meet her. Right now I’m not sure if my love for you has been killed off or if I’ve just managed to shut it down. I can still feel that something is off but I don’t want to push.

I sit here and wonder if I’ve pushed you further towards her, all because of my actions. You didn’t say good night several times and that cut like a knife. Even in the morning, you just leave without a word. If you would have been honest and came to me and told me that you had started having feelings for someone else, I could have handled that. I fucking hate this. Should I fight? I really want to.  Would that make a difference? I don’t want to overstep or do something that ruins our friendship and makes you end up resenting me.

I’m not good enough for you. Even if I’m the last resort, I still wouldn’t be your pick. You see me as only a friend and you only want me for playtime. That is how I’m feeling. If you don’t feel that way, then you need to speak up AND change your actions. I’m not listening to just words, I’m watching actions too.

Things have changed so much. You barely talk to me even after assuring me that we will still talk and keep in contact. I’m making rash promises to try to see where I stand with you. Nothing is helping. I trust my instincts and even though you say that we will stay friends, I know she won’t like it and will come between us even more than what she already has. Of course you have allowed her to and I know its only going to get worse. If our friendship suffers any more, I’m going to be one angry Rebel. You have seen some of my anger but that was mild compared to what I have inside of me. I wonder if you are just saying words to placate me. I wonder if you have told a mutual friend what is going on and they have talked about it to other people. If so, that would hurt even more. All I want is honesty, loyalty and trust. I willingly gave you all three of those and my love, only to have them thrown by the wayside. I thought some of the things between us were special, for the two of us but am realizing that is not the case. I don’t think I could be that with anyone else but when the pain fades and in the future I find someone, I might be able to. In the past, you made me happy. But now, I’m not sure if I can trust you. I’m giving you another chance but for the first time ever, I’m questioning if I should trust you with this or with that. I don’t want her knowing at all. Her actions have shown that she isn’t trustworthy and I have extreme dislike for her in so many ways. But time will tell. I don’t feel like a submissive anymore and I miss it. I’m feeling at loose ends and I thought about finding someone who is willing to train me in some things. I just don’t know anymore.

“Torn To Pieces”

Published November 5, 2013 by rebelpet

I’ve barely been able to sleep, I haven’t been able to eat. I can be extremely sensitive but since being hurt years ago, I can also shut down. I won’t be able to get over this for a long time, mostly because I have to hide how I really feel. Biting my tongue isn’t easy so thank goodness for this blog. This song’s lyrics say exactly how I’ve been feeling for almost a week now. I’ll include the lyrics too…

Here I sit all alone like an airplane

On the edge of a sky full of solid gray

Staring at the ceiling,

tell me that I’m dreaming

Oh, I wish you were here today

All these days I know I’ll never get back

All these words I know I wish I should’ve said

All these dreams that we had now fade to black

Try to wash it away

I’m torn to pieces, I’m broken down

I still see your face when you’re not around

I sit here in misery wondering if I’ll ever be

Half the man you wanted me to be

Here I float through the air like a waterfall

Than I sink to the bottom like a cannonball

Having trouble breathing, suddenly I’m screaming

Why wasn’t I good enough

Even though I know you’re not gonna come back

I can’t wash it away

I’m torn to pieces, I’m broken down

I still see your face when you’re not around

I sit here in misery wondering if I’ll ever be

Half the man you wanted me to be

I’m torn to pieces, I’m broken down

I still see your face when you’re not around

I sit here in misery wondering if I’ll ever be

Half the man you wanted me to be

It’s tearing me to pieces Tearing me to pieces

It’s tearing me to pieces Tearing me to pieces

Even though I know you’re not gonna come back

I can’t wash it away

I’m torn to pieces, I’m broken down

I still see your face when you’re not around

I sit here in misery wondering if I’ll ever be

Half the man you wanted me to be

I’m torn to pieces, I’m broken down (I’m torn to pieces)

I still see your face when you’re not around (I’m torn to pieces)

I sit here in misery wondering if I’ll ever be

Half the man you wanted me to be

 

Mangled, Pt 2

Published November 5, 2013 by rebelpet

I feel so lost and I have so many questions because of that. Why does it feel like I’m losing you? I don’t feel you like I used to and it scares me. I know you have a lot on your mind right now and I’m trying to be patient. Then panic rises inside me and I can’t think logically. What if someone convinces you that I’m nothing but a player and you dump me? If that would happen, all I would see is a barren landscape and a piece of me would die. You don’t talk as much as you used to and I feel you holding back. I try to be as open with my life as possible but you……

It feels like I will never hear from you again, that you have disappeared from my life and I don’t know if I can handle that. You promised to always keep in touch…I’m starting to feel like that babysitter on The Incredibles, only there isn’t another person. I feel like you have abandoned me  </3

I don’t want to guilt you into anything but a talk would help tremendously. I’m trying to keep from becoming hysterical but its too late…If my phone would ring and it would be you, I wouldn’t be able to speak at first and you would hear first-hand. I don’t lay myself bare to people but you, you are different. god, I can’t take this!!!!!! Screaming your name in my mind, trying to keep from being audible but your name escapes. So now I log off because I feel that you don’t want anything to do with me anymore. I’ll do my best to keep my ultimate promise  but its going to be a huge struggle that I hope I don’t lose

Destroyed

Published November 5, 2013 by rebelpet

I was too blind to see

That things had changed

No longer looking at me

I had become invisible

I gave him heart and trust

And believed in his promise

Honesty was a must

Love I thought I found

Something special we had

Or that is what I thought

This pain hurts so bad

That chapter turns to gray

I was not good enough

My heart to be razed

This is going to be tough

Keeping my pain locked away

I was just his toy

A dirty little secret

Was that his ploy

This entire time?

Shock made me freeze

Rebel and Panther paused

Lungs and heart in a squeeze

My words not spoken with truth

~”But I though you loved me

Please don’t leave

Don’t let this be

What happens to us.

When you fell for her

Why wasn’t I told?”~

I have lost my Sir

He has abandoned me.

How can I ever trust him

Since he has spouted lies?

My skies no longer blue

They turned to black of night

Confusion, anger, grief and hurt

Roiling inside rebuilt walls

I was just a skirt

Another notch on his belt.

My worst nightmare come true

He doesn’t love me

Our past an ugly hue

Did he ever love me?

Left here hanging

My world upside down

Everything I’m questioning/All the while knowing

He isn’t here to ask.

Why did he wait

Until the last minute

To tell me his plans

Giving me no time to think

Why did he hide

Behind shortened time?

Now I’m here to bide

My actions, thoughts and time

I can’t let him know

How I’m feeling inside

Or this will blow

And I lose him forever

My facade is in place

Trying to be stoic

Me, he will replace

With one who is sub par.

If this was his game

Vulnerability he can’t see

Or I’m to blame

For his knowing

I should have known

Not to give my heart

Allowing it to be blown

To bloody bits and pieces.

Up my walls go again

There they have got to stay

Never knowing when

Another game may come.

Heartbroken, in disrepair

I am destroyed inside

Had to cut my hair

To try to ease the pain

When he comes home

I will have on my mask

True feelings to not roam

Things won’t be the same.

My friend might be missing

When I need him the most

His voice so soothing

To the raging animal.

I’m his friend first

Hoping he doesn’t disappear

Losing him would be the worst

But I think I already have.

~”Please just give me time

To get over losing you.

Until then my actions I mime

So you don’t see the heart of me.”~

Mangled, Pt 1

Published November 5, 2013 by rebelpet

I’m sorry for leaving all of you hanging but I’m hoping to be posting more. I guess I could say some of my posts are going to be more journal-like. So here goes and please bear with me, my emotions were all over the place.

No trust …………. I hurt so bad right now.  Its been proven to me once again that I’m not meant to be loved, that I’m supposed to be betrayed and hurt. The friend has to be put away for now. I can’t handle both and I feel anger along with the hurt, confusion and betrayal. I don’t know whether to hide this or not. As of now, I don’t feel that you have the right to worry about me. Not after that. I was in enough shock and had others around so I could be a friend. But when I’m the only one awake or am alone, that friend is gone. And you had no right to call me by my pet name when you were going to be with someone else. The first time I was betrayed years ago, I couldn’t recover from. Although I wouldn’t have what I do if I had left. But this time, I’m older and wiser from experience and I can’t be anything but a friend. You will have to give me time until I can handle being a good friend again. The ones I love who hurt me, I don’t let them see that they have hurt me. I’ll probably write out everything here and when I’ve gotten over you, then you might see this. I’m asking to be released.

How could you do this to me? After you promised to be honest with me? I just want to smash things, cut myself, get a tattoo and a piercing. I am going to cut my hair, fuck this shit!

I can’t even write a poem. My mind is too jumbled. I could feel you pulling away from me but when I asked, you gave the excuse for the house. That was some of it but now so much has come clear and I see what a fool I have been. I’ve been your dirty little secret, a toy to play with until you tired of me, until you found the person you really wanted, which obviously wasn’t me. It makes me think that you have been voicing with her this whole time. Why did you betray my trust? Why did you break your promise to me? The first time I hear about her, it’s to find out that you were planning to go be with her. My thoughts are that the only reason you admitted it to me is because I found you online before your normal time AND the fact that your plans with her had fallen through. But I know that you went down, she changed her mind again and it’s killing me inside. That special song just digs the knife deeper because you said I wasn’t just a that but it feels like that was just one of your lines. You have just proven to me that I’m not worthy, that I’m supposed to get hurt, that I’m not a person to be loved. I should have picked up more on the times you were reluctant. I don’t know if you can feel anything through the link and I was so tempted to close my end. But I think I’m going to let loose and let it come at you full force just to ruin your time with her. If you could use my heart so carelessly, how do I know that the friend aspect wasn’t treated the same way? I’m doubting so much of what you’ve said to me. All the PMs on two sites are gone. I cut my hair. I have so much hurt, confusion, questions, anger, betrayal and grief going through me right now. I’m going to shut down just to survive. You could have handled this so much better but I figure I’m the last resort for you, I’m the relief pitcher. You played me, you used me. And I had trusted you with some of the deepest parts of me. You have not felt my rage yet because I’ve been holding it back and I’ve been hurting too badly. After I get through this, I think I still want to be friends. Hell, I can’t imagine not having you in my life. I still love you but the trust is gone. I don’t understand why you said no to me when I asked you to delete those things I sent. Are you going to use those as leverage against me? Are you going to use them to make fun at my expense?

I’m afraid that when you read all the things I’ve written, posted and commented on, you won’t want to talk to me again. Thing is, I do deserve an outlet and that is the best way. But then I figure that you are done with me anyhow. That you don’t want to talk to me again and that rips the wounds open all over again. I have to accept that due to actions of others, I’m not worth their time or consideration. I’ve been waiting for you all day and this is killing me. I feel like I am losing my mind. All I have is my imagination fueling speculation but I want and need to hear your side of the story, full honesty.